If you have big health goals and ambitions in 2017, this will be a good read!
True story …
Today I drove past an old school Mr Whippy van in the middle of North Sydney.
Needless to say, a huge line gathered in front; loads of people waiting patiently in line to get their little hands on an icy cold soft serve.
Probably with hundreds and thousands and one of those chocolate flakes for an extra 50 cents.
Normally this would be cool, except they were all grown, educated adults … corporate professionals.
None of whom looked anything like they’d earned the impending insulin spike with prior exercise.
As I venture out amongst the community it’s becoming more and more apparent to me; the message of health is falling on deaf ears … As a result, we’re getting sicker, fatter and way less healthy!
And I’m starting to think we’re cool with it.
In fact we’re so determined to get there, we’re happy to skip work and queue in the burning hot sun for it!
Unfortunately, even though there’s a growing number of personal trainers (like myself) who’ve invested more than we can afford in gyms, there doesn’t seem to be a thing we can do about it.
So, as the saying goes, if you can’t beat em, join em.
My 13 years working in the health and fitness industry as a personal trainer has come to this!
Writing an article about how to get fat fast.
Because it’s clear that if I talk about getting healthier, it falls on deaf ears anyway.
I think it’s time to try a different strategy.
So here goes …
I promise you, if you implement my 5 key strategies from today’s article, you’re guaranteed to get fat faster than a fat person sweats in the sun.
As a bonus, if you commit to at least two of these great fat tips, you’ll also grab yourself a ticket to the heart disease pain train, and almost certain diabetes.
But be warned … you won’t be around long to appreciate your hard work.
So enjoy it whilst it lasts!
Without further delay, here we go.
Tip no #1: Make sure you include at least one fast food meal per day (or at least a few every week)
This sounds obvious, but you’ll be surprised how many people waste valuable eating time waiting in ice cream lines when they could just skip the queue and head straight to Maccas … best of all, McDonald’s even offer discount soft-serve anyway.
Pop quiz … what do Maccas, KFC, Hungry Jacks, Subway, Tex Mex, Pizza Hut and Domino’s Pizza all have in common?
They all sneak a truck load of deadly trans fat into their food so you’re guaranteed to solidify your healthy fat cell membranes and kill your good cholesterol.
This is like giving your cardiovascular system a direct uppercut to the throat.
What a bonus!
It’s also a sure fire way to the holy grail of the out of shape. The extremely painful and fairly sudden, ‘early death’.
Tots killing it!!
Tip no #2: Eat as much processed carbohydrate as you can. Especially on days you sit on your arse doing no exercise
This one’s essential.
One of my all time favourites!
To ensure your adipocytes (fat cells) are crammed full of heart disease causing triglycerides and you pack on the pounds as quickly as Usain Bolt ran the 100 Metres in Berlin, you simple must binge on refined, (white) carbs on the days you spend sitting on your arse.
Foods great for this are hamburgers, hot chips, pasta dishes, white bread sangas, bread rolls, white wraps, all pizzas, or any other savoury snack or cake.
All of these foods will sufficiently overload your liver and pancreas, guaranteeing you excess fats and glucose to bind together and fill your fat cells faster than you can say ice cream Sunday!
Tip no #3: Don’t waste your time and satiety eating fresh fruit and veggies – SERIOUSLY!
Everybody knows that veggies are good for you, so this one’s super obvious.
Other than the obvious reasons why you shouldn’t include heaps of healthy veggies in your meals, you may not have known that they also help to increase your satiety levels; meaning you’ll feel more satisfied and find it much, much harder to cram in more precious junk food.
What? Less processed carbs!!!
That’s because veggies have stacks of healthy fibre. No good for fat gain, that fibre!
Worse still, the dense phytochemicals, nutrients, vitamins and minerals will almost certainly increase the quality of your blood lipids and potentially even contribute to a reverse of some of the hard work and damage you’ve caused by sticking to tip no #1 and #2.
Tip no #4: Avoid healthy dietary protein at all costs!
Eating dietary protein will almost certainly increase your metabolism. Even if you don’t exercise regularly.
Oh, good question …
Protein is what we in the health and fitness scene call a thermogenic macro nutrient. Meaning it takes precious energy to digest and metabolise. That’s hard earned calories you’ve spent your hard earned cash to accumulate and hopefully reach a surplus!
Energy that could be getting crammed into your fat cells to increase your waist size.
Not exactly the most productive way to guarantee fast fat gain right?
In addition to this horror show, if by sheer chance (god forbid) you did exercise, eating dietary protein is likely to switch on destructive protein synthesis and potentially cause your body to build more lean muscle tissue.
Clearly that’s going to be devastating to your ability to rapidly gain fat because muscle tissue will up-regulate your metabolism; meaning you’ll have to eat more and more of those white (refined) carbs to gain fat.
Which brings me to tip number #5.
Tip no #5: Never, under any circumstances, exercise. Especially right before eating carbs!
This is by far, the single most important piece of wisdom I can part with.
If you’re still reading this article, then kudos to you. You’ve quite literally armed yourself with some of my best tools for rapid fat gain.
But, the creme-dela-creme of rapid fat gain tips I’ve saved for last!
Exercise has the potential to reverse all of your hard work in seconds by dramatically improving your glucose tolerance and sensitivity.
Meaning your body won’t have to produce as much insulin to transport excess glucose into your muscles.
This my friends will seriously hamper your ability to get yourself onto the diabetes VIP list!
Here’s the thing …
Exercising before you binge on sugar, fat or carbs will dramatically increase the chances that your hard work calorie loading gets delivered straight into your muscles cells, rather than your adipocytes, (fat cells).
This is a big problem … fuelling muscle tissue instead of cramming the excess glucose and fat into your fat tissue will almost certainly hinder your chances of achieving your extreme bubble butt or delicious man boobs.
Don’t waste your time and money … Exercise is totally overrated anyway!
In addition to all that, exercise has been proven to increase hormones in the body that can slow ageing, increase labido and energy, plus, seriously reduce depression.
You mean I might actually gain motivation? Which could lead to more dangerous exercise!
It’s a bloody double edged sword!!
And exercising has a way of snowballing … rolling you straight of the edge of the unhealthy mountain, all the way to a lean and healthy nightmare!
WTF … who’d want that?
Plus, it’s likely to do other horrible things like, give you more time with your kids and family, make you more productive at work and seriously hamper your ability to juice your annual sick leave.
An utterly horrible scenario!
Well there you have it folks … my sure fire formula to rapid fat gain.
If everyone’s doing it … it must be good!
P.s. join me next time when I take a deep dive into how to 10X your daily calories and steer yourself into an early grave with god’s gift to humanity, weekend beers!